


Pretty Boy

by Sevnaria



Series: We are here [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Chae Hyungwon-centric, Hyungwon reading hate comments, I had planned to keep everything platonic but then Hyungwonho happened, I made Kihyun a meanie, I'm Sorry, M/M, Oops, Panic Attacks, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-07 11:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18619330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sevnaria/pseuds/Sevnaria
Summary: Hyungwon reads mean comments on social media which makes him doubt himself and distance himself from the rest of the members.Also, I made Kihyun take on a mean role for the sake of the plot, I'm sorry.





	1. I know that I don't deserve you

**Author's Note:**

> I really love Hyungwon and therefore I'm putting him through a bit of hell in this. Funny how that works sometimes. 
> 
> And be aware that this story is completely made up and has nothing to do with the real people mentioned here.

_“He’s got a pretty face but that’s it.”_

_“There’s a reason why he has like, no lines.”_

_“He’s not really contributing to the group is he?”_

Hyungwon could still see the words in front of him as he restarted the routine from the top, sweat dripping from his chin. He knew that they weren’t supposed to be reading comments but lately he had heard from friends that everyone loved their new song so he decided to check out what people thought about it for himself. That had been a mistake. 

He had read mean comments about himself before but that was way back just after they had debuted, when the fans hadn’t gotten to know them yet. So it wasn’t anything he had not heard before, it was just that Hyungwon thought that people had seen his efforts and recognized his skills by now. Apparently he had been wrong.

That was why he was now spending their day off in an unused practice room, working on perfecting their latest dance routines. The least he could do was make sure that he didn’t mess up the moves on stage. He would have liked to get some extra vocal coaching but their usual trainer was away and he didn’t want to bother anyone else. That was also why he had left the dorm that same morning without telling anyone, he didn’t want to bother them with problems that weren’t theirs to solve. Besides, they deserved their well earned rest.

Hyungwon was breathing hard when he took a short break from dancing, the clock on the wall showed that he’d been there for most of the day, it was almost time for dinner. He laid down on the cold, wooden floor and stared up at the ceiling. His singing and dancing had been improving, he was self aware enough to know that. The comments that really got to him were the ones questioning his place in the group, because deep down he kind of agreed with them. He wasn’t doing much in general, he couldn’t help with their songs, his input when it came to choreographies was mostly ignored and he wasn’t that funny when they went of variety shows. Hell, he couldn’t even cook or help out around the dorm.

And he knew the other members thought so too. Whenever they had interviews or were talking on shows they would mention how Hyungwon was the one who slept all the time and how he was a terrible cook. When you put together the facts, he was basically dead weight. A nuisance who couldn’t do anything. 

He sighed and turned his head to look at his phone. Its screen remained black and he realized that he had forgotten to charge it the night before. He shut his eyes and without meaning to, drifted off to sleep.

~~~

Hyungwon woke up to someone shaking his shoulder rather roughly. 

“Get up sleepyhead.”

Hyungwon groaned and rolled over on his side, away from the insistent hand.

“Oh no you don’t”, the voice sounded a bit annoyed, “you’ve already made everyone worried enough.”

At those words, Hyungwon shot up into a sitting position and came face to face with a surprised Hoseok. 

“What, why?” He blurted out, still half asleep.

“Your phone? We tried calling but couldn’t get through, and no one knew where you were. Kihyun was about to call the cops when I texted to tell him I found you.”

Hyungwon felt nauseous, he had managed to bother them after all. 

“Sorry.” He felt tears welling up but quickly blinked them away before Hoseok could notice. 

“It’s alright, let’s just get back and have dinner.” Hoseok helped the taller boy to his feet and lead him out of the room, Hyungwon following silently. 

~~~

When they entered the dorm they heard voices coming from the kitchen and Hyungwon wanted nothing more than to go to his room without having to face the others but Hoseok steered him towards the noise. 

The rest of the members were sitting around the table where several untouched dishes sat. As soon as they saw Hyungwon they all fell uncharacteristically silent. Hyunwoo opened his mouth to speak but Kihyun was faster.

“Where the hell have you been, do you have any idea how worried we were?” He had stood up and walked up to Hyungwon, who hung his head and was about to apologize when Hoseok stepped in.

“I told you, I found him in one of the smaller practice rooms.”

“Yeah, you found him, after we all abandoned dinner to search the whole damn building.”

Hyunwoo cleared his throat and came up beside Kihyun, the other members remaining silently at the table.

“I think what Kihyun is trying to say is next time you should tell someone where you’re going.” Despite his gentle tone, Hyungwon knew he must have disappointed the leader.

“Or at least have your phone on”, Kihyun added.

“Sorry hyung”, Hyungwon murmured and looked down at the floor. He felt a warm hand on his shoulder 

“Now that you’re done nagging, can we please eat?” Hoseok grinned at Kihyun and the latter huffed before turning and going back to the table, Hoseok following him eagerly. The three members who had stayed out of the argument scrambled to their feet to help Kihyun reheat the dishes. 

Hyungwon realized he must have kept them waiting for a fairly long time and the knot in his stomach grew bigger. He turned to Hyunwoo and hesitantly met his eyes. 

“I’m just gonna head to bed, I’m exhausted and I had a big lunch”, he hadn’t eaten anything besides an apple for breakfast but he couldn’t bring himself to sit through dinner while the others were rightfully angry with him. 

“But you’ve been practicing so you need to eat more”, Hyunwoo frowned. 

“Well, I didn’t practice too hard, I was sleeping when Hoseok came”, Hyungwon tried to smile assuringly, “and I truly am sorry about being irresponsible.” 

“Don’t worry about it, no one’s really mad anyway, just hungry.”

Hyungwon wished he could believe that.

“Anyway, since we have an early schedule tomorrow I think I could use the extra hours of sleep.”

“I can't imagine you needing extra sleep but alright”, Hyunwoo winked.

Hyungwon knew it was just a joke, but the words warped into criticism in his mind and it took all he had not to apologize again. 

“Right, well, good night”, he said and walked out of the kitchen, heading towards his room. No one called after him so he guessed they wanted him out of the way as much as he did.


	2. You won't be able to erase it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not enough sleep, more rude comments and a serious lack of communication. What could go wrong?

The next morning was a disaster. Apparently Kihyun’s alarm had malfunctioned and it had never gone off, resulting in all of them waking up way too late. Everyone ran around, nearly colliding as they tried to get dressed and moderately clean for the photo shoot they were supposed to be at in an hour. 

Being who he was, Hyungwon had managed to fall back asleep after being woken up the first time. It could also have something to do with the fact that he hadn’t slept much during the night, due to nightmares where a bunch of faceless people screamed at him. He had been mercilessly ripped from his slumber several times, heart beating fast and he’d almost managed to fall off the bed at one point. 

When Jooheon came into their room to look for his jacket, he noticed Hyungwon and in his hurry to wake the taller, he hit his arm rather harshly. Hyungwon woke up with an “ouch” and looked down at Jooheon who told him that they had to leave in five minutes before running off again. He took a deep breath before allowing panic to set in.

Hyungwon was a lot of things. Fast during times of crisis was not one of them. Yet somehow he managed to get ready within the set time, almost. Kihyun still had to yell at him to hurry up while he tried to speed-wash his face. 

Before he had fully woken up, they arrived at the studio where they would take some teaser photos for their next album. They were ushered to get their make-up and hair done before being briefed on the photo shoot. The would begin with the group photo followed by individual shootings and Hyungwon sighed inwardly when he was told that he would be going last. He was already tired thanks to the nightmares but didn’t dare bring it up out of fear of being ridiculed and teased. He could always rest or maybe even nap while the others had their photos taken, even if he didn’t think it would help with this kind of exhaustion.

They went ahead with the group shoot and Hyungwon tried to follow the directions of the photographer and apparently succeeded, judging from the man’s stream of compliments. They were soon done and Hyungwon felt relieved that they had managed to finish without any hiccups, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. 

Walking towards the couches which made up their waiting area, Hyungwon stopped in his tracks when he heard his name mentioned and looked back towards some assistants that had been observing the shoot. 

“He’s so lucky, with that face it doesn’t take any effort to look good in pictures.”

“I know, and he’s also tall and thin so he could basically just stand there without doing anything and still look good.”

“Some people are really born with it all.”

The women’s laughter stopped abruptly when they realized Hyungwon was standing nearby and they blushed. He just plastered a smile on his face before continuing towards the couches. He could hear them resuming their conversation in lowered voices but didn’t turn back, he had heard enough. 

Reaching the nearest couch, Hyungwon lay down and put his feet in Hoseok’s lap before curling up. He closed his eyes in an attempt to shut out the world and fell asleep after replaying the conversation he’d overheard enough times for it to appear in his dreams.

~~~

He woke up to Hyunwoo squeezing his feet, apparently having taken Hoseok’s place when the latter had gone for his shoot. Hyungwon slowly sat up after being told that it was finally his turn. He felt like shit and was sure their leader could tell, given how he flashed him an encouraging smile and gently ruffled his hair without ruining it. 

 

It couldn’t have been more different from the group shoot. Hyungwon tried to smile and relax as the camera shuttered but he wasn’t feeling it at all and it didn’t help that he could see the gossiping assistants in the corner of his eye, watching him. The photographer scowled and told Hyungwon not to be so stiff and he tried his best to comply but it was difficult. He could tell that the man was growing increasingly impatient with him and he felt bad for wasting everyone’s time. After a while the photographer announced that he “gave up on this impossible case” and that the pictures would just have to do. 

Feeling his cheeks burning, Hyungwon bowed deeply and apologized before hurrying to get his make-up removed, not meeting the eyes of his members who had been watching from afar. He didn’t need them to tell him that he messed up, he was fully aware of that himself.

The drive home was uncomfortable, Hoseok had tried to ask Hyungwon if he was alright but the taller had curtly said that he didn’t want to talk about it and turned towards the window. A silence had spread in the van after that, one that no one dared to break. Hyungwon felt bad about it but he couldn’t bring himself to tell the others about what had happened. He felt embarrassed and terrified that they would agree with what the assistants had said about him. 

Once they arrived at the dorm, Hyungwon practically ran to his room and since he couldn’t be bothered to climb the ladder he decided to steal Jooheon’s bed, hoping the rapper wouldn’t be too mad at him. He unlocked his phone and compulsively read through the comments of their latest vlive. To his relief, he couldn’t find any negative comments related to him. However, he soon noticed that that was only because there was no comments related to him whatsoever, it was like he hadn’t even been in the video. 

Minhyuk knocked on the door, asking if he wanted dinner, but Hyungwon wasn’t hungry nor in the mood for an interrogation. So he just turned towards the wall and pretended to be sleeping. It seemed to be working since he wasn’t asked a second time and he remained undisturbed until he fell asleep for real a couple of hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter but the next one will be longer again! Also, I might add another chapter cause I decided I wasn't 100% happy with the current ending.


	3. You have to hold my hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything comes to a head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter describes a panic attack in detail. If this is something that could trigger you, you can stop reading at the marking ****** and continue at the next ******.
> 
> I've never had a panic attack myself but I tried to read enough about it to portray it somewhat realistically, but I'm aware that there might be mistakes so don't be afraid to correct me!

For the rest of the week, Hyungwon was more or less out of it. He knew that the other members had noticed that something was going on, a few of them had tried to talk to him about it. He had rudely told them that he was fine and subsequently regretted it as he saw the hurt in their eyes. Hyungwon just didn’t want them to pity him and honestly his “problem” was ridiculous. How was he supposed to tell them that he was too good-looking to be properly appreciated, without it sounding like some kind of bragging? They would never be able to take him seriously. 

Everything came to a head a couple of days later. They had dance practice in the morning and then the rest of the day off. They had stupidly decided to have a movie marathon the night before and it had gotten late before someone remembered that they had to get up early. Four hours of sleep later and they had left for the practice room, everyone being a bit more on edge than usual. Fortunately, the practice was only for three hours and then they would be free to go.

“Okay”, Hyunwoo clapped his hands, “if this next run-through goes smoothly we’ll call it a day.” 

“Hwaiting”, Hoseok shouted and the rest responded, suddenly rejuvenated and eager to go home and catch up on their much needed sleep.

Hyungwon was feeling like shit, which had recently become his natural state. He had once again been scrolling through comments on social media after they had gone to bed and barely slept at all. He knew he should stop but he had become obsessed with searching for comments complimenting his efforts. However, he would always end up disregarding those in favor of the harsh critique, which didn’t appear nearly as often but stuck with him longer.

They were halfway into the song and Hyungwon’s body moved on autopilot, he’d spent enough late, lonely hours practicing this routine and could probably perform it in his sleep. And so his mind started to wander to one of the comments he’d read the night before, one which had stung more than the others. 

_“He should just go back to modelling.”_

It hadn’t just questioned his place in the group, but in the entire music industry, and it had hurt. 

Hyungwon came to a halt, the autopilot malfunctioning and he wasn’t prepared. He knew in his mind how he was supposed to move but before he could relay that information to his body, Changkyun had backed into him and tripped over his leg. As the maknae fell to the floor, everyone turned towards them with looks of worry and annoyance. Kihyun, who had been closest to them, went to make sure that Changkyun was okay before turning to Hyungwon. 

“Ya, couldn’t you focus for one more minute? Aren’t you supposed to be the lead dancer?”

******

Hyungwon barely registered Hoseok’s and Hyunwoo’s attempts to calm Kihyun down, his ears had started buzzing. A sharp pain shot through his knees and he realized that his legs had given out. Kihyun’s words spun around in his head and it was soon joined by other voices, criticizing and questioning him. 

It had become hard to breathe and it felt like someone was choking him. When his vision became blurred he closed his eyes tightly. A hand landed on his shoulder and Hyungwon scrambled backwards, away from the burning touch. His back hit the wall and he felt trapped, but at least no one tried to touch him again. He could faintly hear the others shouting to each other, something about “phone” and “panic attack”. 

Panic attack? Was that what they thought he was going through? Hyungwon wanted to correct them and tell them that he had a heart attack, since his chest had started hurting as well. He was surely dying right now and they didn’t understand. They were mistaken and couldn’t help him. A choked sob escaped his lips, he didn’t want to die, he couldn’t. There was still so much he wanted to do and he couldn’t imagine himself dying, not now. 

Kihyun’s voice sounded nearby and Hyungwon remembered he had made him angry. He had messed up and caused trouble.

“Sorry”, he started mumbling as his breath grew increasingly laboured, “sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, sorry, didn’t mean to, I’m sorry, my fault, sorry, I’m so-”

A soft voice cut through the buzz and stopped his rambling. 

“Hyungwon-ah.”

He opened his eyes and tried to focus on the outline of a face in front of him. 

“It’s gonna be okay, you’re okay.” It was Hoseok’s soothing voice. Hyungwon wanted to object and tell him that nothing was okay, he was dying and nobody could stop it at his point. But his mouth wasn’t able to form words and all he managed was a whimper. 

“Hey, it’s alright, you’re safe and nothing can hurt you, just focus on me.” 

And Hyungwon tried his best to comply, he could see Hoseok’s face more clearly and looked into his eyes, being rewarded with a smile from the older. 

“There we go, just breathe with me now.”

Someone else spoke, Hyungwon couldn’t tell who and he didn’t want to leave the comfort of Hoseok’s eyes. 

“They’re saying to breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven and then out for eight.”

Hoseok nodded without breaking eye contact. 

“You hear that? Try to breathe in while I count to four, then hold your breath until I tell you to breathe out.”

Hyungwon didn’t understand how he was supposed to manage that while he was barely able to breathe at all, he just hoped that Hoseok wouldn’t be too mad when he failed. As the other began counting, Hyungwon tried to take a deep breath but Hoseok hadn’t even reached two before he coughed and took another quick, shallow breath. 

“Take your time, we’ll try again”, Hoseok said and while Hyungwon still felt like a failure on the verge of dying, he was thankful that Hoseok didn’t sound angry. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed but eventually Hyungwon managed to breathe in for the full four seconds, hold his breath for seven and then slowly exhale while Hoseok counted to eight. They repeated this until Hyungwon felt like he was in control of his body again, hands shaking a bit but he started to think that he might survive after all. He became more aware of his surroundings and looked around at the rest of the members spread out around him and Hoseok. 

******

Jooheon and Changkyun sat on either side of Minhyuk, backs against the mirror wall. The older had his arms around the rappers and they all looked pretty shaken up. Hyunwoo held a sniffling Kihyun on the couch, Hyungwon noticed the leader thanking someone on his phone before hanging up. 

When his gaze returned to Hoseok, the other held out a water bottle towards Hyungwon, which he accepted wordlessly. He took a sip and then emptied the entire bottle, only know noticing how thirsty he was.

“How are you feeling?” Hoseok asked and Hyungwon had no idea what to say, he didn’t really know yet. He opened his mouth and closed it again.

“Like I’m not dying”, he said eventually, both to try and lighten up the mood but also because that was the only thing that mattered in that moment. As he said it, waves of relief washed over him and with it came the tears that had been barely kept at bay. Silent tears soon turned into loud sobs and when a tentative hand reached out for him he lunged himself forward into Hoseok’s waiting embrace. Warm hands comforted him, one rubbing his back and the other on his neck, occasionally running fingers through his hair. 

When Hyungwon finally stopped crying, he was exhausted. There was nothing he wanted more than sleep and when he voiced that wish, Hoseok chuckled. “Go ahead Wonnie, I’ll take care of you, sleep.” 

So that’s what he did, unbothered by nightmares for the first time in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading, like I mentioned in the beginning; don't hesitate to point out any mistakes. 
> 
> Also, as you may have noticed, there will be an extra chapter in the story. I added an epilogue cause I'm weak for epilogues.


	4. Please believe in me once more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A much needed discussion is held, hands are intertwined and feelings are felt.

It was later in the evening when Hyungwon woke up in a bedroom that wasn’t his own. He took a good look around and as he did, he noticed that it wasn’t a pillow that held his head up, but a lap. His eyes slowly wandered upwards to see who was the owner of said lap and met the affectionate gaze of Hoseok, who sat upright against the board of the bed. Hyungwon blushed without understanding why and looked away. As he did, he saw that he was, unsurprisingly, in Hoseok’s room. The dumbbells gave it away. The older had a room to himself, a luxury he shared with Kihyun and that the rest of the members envied. 

“Why…”, was all his newly awoken brain could manage and he gestured vaguely at the room. 

“We thought it would be best to let you sleep undisturbed, so I offered up my bed since I don’t have a roommate”, Hoseok explained and put away the book he had been reading while waiting for Hyungwon to wake up.

“And you are here because?” Hyungwon tried not to make it sound like he didn’t want Hoseok here, because he did. There was something about his presence that was calming and made Hyungwon feel safe. As much as he wanted to lay down and go back to sleep, he had a feeling that Hoseok wouldn’t let him. So instead he sat up on the bed, facing the other. 

“I wanted to make sure you got to rest and didn’t want you to wake up alone”, Hoseok said and his smile seemed to light up the room. Hyungwon wasn’t sure what he had done for the other to treat him this kindly.

On the contrary, Hoseok should be mad at Hyungwon, both for messing up their practice and then causing a scene. He could still recall the faces of the other members, they had looked shocked and frightened. 

He did that. It was all his fault and although he wasn’t completely sure what had actually happened he knew that the others would blame him and they would be right to do so. 

“What happened?” The whole thing seemed a bit foggy to Hyungwon. “How are the others?”

“Well, we think you had some sort of panic attack, and the emergency operator or something agreed.” 

“Wait, who?” 

“Hyunwoo called 112 and they told us to use that breathing technique and if it wouldn’t have worked they would have sent someone over and maybe brought you back to the hospital.”

Hyungwon felt nauseous, it sounded a lot more serious than he had thought. Even if he had felt like he was dying while he was in the middle of it, afterwards he had thought he’d been a bit ridiculous. 

“But everything worked out, you’re alright now and so is everyone else.” Hoseok didn’t want to set Hyungwon on the path of what-ifs.

“So, uhm, how did I get back here?” Hyungwon wanted to change the subject from the actual attack.

He didn’t expect the other to turn a bit pink and looking away, hands fidgeting. 

“I sort of, carried you on my back?” He raised the tone at the end and Hyungwon couldn’t hold back from letting out a snort.

“Are you asking me or telling me?” He smiled and noticed Hoseok’s face take on an expression of relief.

“It’s been a while since I saw you smile for real”, he raised a hand towards Hyungwon’s face as if to touch his cheek but caught himself and coughed awkwardly as he quickly pulled back, rubbing his neck. Hyungwon tried to suppress the brief sense of disappointment and thought of what Hoseok had said. Had it really been that long since he had actually smiled? He knew he had been spending an unhealthy amount of time on social media but he didn’t realize that it was in fact most of his free time.

“I’m really sorry.”

“No, no, please don’t apologize”, Hoseok all but shouted. “We know you’ve been going through… something, but there’s no need to apologize.” 

But Hyungwon knew he had to make up for how he’d been behaving the last couple of weeks. He had been rude, snappy and just unpleasant to be around. He had noticed the members giving him looks when they thought he didn’t see or walked into a room only for all conversation to grow silent. 

“Hyungwon, you in there?” 

He snapped out of his thoughts, a bit embarrassed for spacing out in the middle of their conversation. 

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

“I just wanted to tell you that no one is going to force you to do anything”, Hoseok bit his lip before continuing, “but we would really like to know what’s been going on. Or just tell us what we can do to help you.” 

He sounded so sincere that Hyungwon wanted to cry, while he knew they had worried he didn’t know that they cared this much. He took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay, I’ll tell you.”

~~~

When Hoseok returned to the room to get Hyungwon, the others had all gathered in the living room. Hyungwon joined Hyunwoo and Kihyun on the couch, making sure to leave some space between him and the latter in case he was still angry with him. Hoseok sat down on his other side. Minhyuk and Changkyun shared one of the armchairs while Jooheon occupied the other. Hyungwon wasn’t sure if he was supposed to start talking when Minhyuk unexpectedly cleared his throat.

“Well this is not awkward at all”, he rolled his eyes in an obvious attempt to lighten up the atmosphere in the room. Changkyun made a sound that could have been the beginning of a laughter but quickly stifled it when he realized that no one else seemed to think it had been funny. 

“So, like I told you”, Hoseok began and Hyungwon felt him place his hand on his thigh, a light, hesitant touch, “Hyungwon has something to say.”

Hyungwon put his hand on top of Hoseok’s and the other flipped it over so he could intertwine their fingers. 

“I wanted to say that I’m sorry for how I’ve been behaving”, he was immediately interrupted by a choir of voices.

“I told you that you didn’t have to apologize.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“We’ve all been stressed.” 

Hyungwon put up a hand to stop their overwhelming response. He looked at Kihyun next to him and reluctantly put his free hand on the other’s shoulder. 

“You don’t need to be sorry, it was my fault after all.” He was unprepared when Kihyun broke out in tears and buried his head against Hyungwon’s chest. 

He looked around for help but the others just smiled and some of them had a suspicious wetness in their eyes. He put one arm around Kihyun, not willing to let go of Hoseok, and started to rub his back. 

“I was really scared, I didn’t, I didn’t know wh-what happened and I caused it”, Kihyun managed to get out between his sobs. 

“Everyone’s alright now”, Hyunwoo said from the other side of Kihyun, petting his hair. He looked at Hyungwon, “he was really worried about you.” 

Even though Hyungwon had kind of understood that at that point, it still felt nice to hear it put into words. And when Kihyun finally pulled back, rubbing his eyes with his sleeves, Hyungwon smiled to show that he had forgiven the other completely. To be honest, it hadn’t even occurred to him that the other would think Hyungwon was mad at him. He had been too busy blaming himself.

“If everyone’s done apologizing, could we maybe get back to business?” Jooheon asked and his words would have sounded a bit insensitive but Hyungwon caught him wiping his eyes. 

“Yeah, sure”, Hyungwon squeezed Hoseok’s hand and the other returned the gesture. “I’m ready to tell you what’s been going on.”

He noticed the tension once again thickening in the room and took a deep breath before starting to recount the events of the last weeks. When the others heard about him reading comments he was almost interrupted but Hyunwoo hushed them and gestured for him to continue. He got through the rest of the story without anyone else making a sound and stopped when he reached the morning’s dance practice. 

“And you know the rest”, he finished and exhaled as if he’d been holding his breath.

They were all silent after that and Hyungwon was too scared to look up from his lap, instead opting to observe his and Hoseok’s connected hands. His heart dropped when Hoseok’s hand pulled away from his but then he felt himself being engulfed in a tight hug and to his surprise, he felt a wetness against his shoulder. 

Hoseok was shaking as he cried and Hyungwon hurriedly hugged him back, confused but ready to offer whatever comfort he could. Before he knew it, he was surrounded by bodies on all sides. From what he could tell, all of the members had joined the pile and it sounded like several were in tears. It made Hyungwon feel guilty all over again but apparently Hoseok was a mind-reader.

“Don’t you dare feel bad about us crying right now”, he muttered into Hyungwon’s shoulder. “We’re just realizing how stupid we’ve been.”

 

It seemed like an entire forever had passed before someone spoke again. 

“I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m really hungry right now and I wouldn’t say no to some nice fried chicken”, Minhyuk detached himself from where he’d been stuck between Jooheon and Hyungwon. 

Slowly the rest of them followed his example, Hoseok lingering for a few seconds before pulling back from Hyungwon. His face was blotchy from crying but he had never looked more beautiful. When Hyungwon realized what he’d just thought, he stood up from the couch and looked towards the kitchen, into which the others had gone to decide on a menu. He looked down on Hoseok and stretched his hand out to help him up. The other took his hand and slowly pressed his lips on the back of it, all while looking right into Hyungwon’s eyes. 

The taller had to will himself not to run away, trying to understand what had happened. 

“Was that okay?” Hoseok asked in a low voice, coarse from crying. 

“Yes”, Hyungwon smiled softly after thinking about it for a second. “More than okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the epilogue and then there might be some one shots in the future, we'll see!


	5. Epilogue - We write a new story from zero

Things had gone back to normal. Well, the chaos that counted as normal for Monsta X at least. Ever since Hyungwon had told them the truth, everyone tried to pay more attention to him and to each other. Whenever he was on his phone, someone would not so sneakily pass by and try to see what he was doing. This lead to more than a few discussions on privacy but Hyungwon admitted that he understood them and promised that if he ever felt like looking up comments again, he would try to tell someone. “Try” being the key word. 

Because it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Hyungwon wasn’t able to quit his habit right away, he had both time and opportunity to check social media during the nights and when they others eventually found out there were arguments followed by a group meeting. They decided to monitor Hyungwon more strictly, privacy be damned, and although he protested loudly, they took away his phone at bedtime and returned it when morning came. 

In the beginning of this new routine, Hyungwon tried to steal back his phone from Kihyun, who had been chosen to keep it in his room during the nights. But when Hyungwon had accidentally stepped on Kihyun while searching his bed, leading them to having a screaming contest in the middle of the night, it was enough. An angry Hyunwoo had barged in, tired maknae in tow, and told them to quit it. Hyungwon had then been sat down and told that he had two options; either he could comply with their new rules or they would get him some professional help. 

Hyungwon had laughed at this until Hyunwoo told him that his obsession with reading comments wasn’t healthy and that if he kept it up, he could end up having another panic attack or worse. The seriousness in Hyunwoo’s voice had surprised him and ransacking himself, he realized that the leader might be right. This scared Hyungwon enough to stop him from making another attempt at searching through Kihyun’s room at night. However, that was not the only thing stopping him.

Hoseok had come up to him one night as Hyungwon was brushing his teeth and asked him if he wanted to sleep with him. As Hyungwon sprayed the bathroom mirror with toothpaste and raised his eyebrows, Hoseok had taken a step back, arms waving frenetically. “Not like that!” Hyungwon had laughed and told him that he would join him after changing into his pyjamas, and cleaning the mirror. 

Walking into Hoseok’s room had been nerve-wracking, especially since the older had a habit of sleeping without a shirt and Hyungwon couldn’t help but stare. But once Hyungwon was settled in bed he relaxed and they fell asleep back-to-back. 

When Hyungwon woke up, Hoseok was spooning him from behind with his nose pressed into Hyungwon’s neck, arm around his waist and leg thrown over Hyungwon’s. He started panicking about what to do but it felt so warm and cozy and so he carefully took Hoseok’s hand in his and fell back asleep.

After that, Hyungwon started sleeping in Hoseok’s bed almost every night and they always cuddled and chatted before drifting off to dreamland. What they shared seemed so fragile that Hyungwon didn’t know how to talk to Hoseok about it. Luckily he didn’t have to, the other brought up the subject one night when they were lying face to face, legs tangled and holding hands. 

“Where do you want this to go?”

“This?” Hyungwon questioned even though he knew exactly what Hoseok meant, he was just trying to buy himself some time to organize his thoughts.

“Yeah, you and me”, Hoseok rubbed his thumb over Hyungwon’s hand, he always did that when he thought Hyungwon needed comfort. 

“I don’t know, I mean”, Hyungwon tried to see through Hoseok to figure out what he thought, he didn’t want to say the wrong thing, “I like how we are now.”

“Me too, but if you wanted more, I’d be willing to take another step.” 

“I’m sorry but that sounded too cheesy to be taken seriously”, Hyungwon didn’t mean to break the mood, he just tried to cover up his nervousness. It had been exactly what he wanted to hear.

Hoseok seemed almost offended but when he started retracting his hand, Hyungwon gripped it tightly. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean that”, he said hurriedly. “I would, if you really want, I mean.” He paused and took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down. “I want more.”

Hoseok smiled then, and Hyungwon mirrored his expression as the older brought his face closer to Hyungwon’s. When their lips touched, Hyungwon marveled at how soft they were and how perfectly they fitted together. The first kiss was careful and soft but felt so right. When they pulled back and locked eyes, both started laughing. Then they kissed again and this time it grew more heated, Hyungwon’s hands were tangled up in Hoseok’s hair while the other had slipped his hands under Hyungwon’s shirt, resting them on his hips. After what could have been ten seconds or five hours, they finally separated, breathing heavily. 

“I like you”, Hoseok let slip out and his eyes widened as he slapped a hand over his mouth.

Before Hoseok could take it back or apologize, Hyungwon removed his hand to place a light kiss on his lips. 

“i like you too”, he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of the main story, BUT I'm planning to write some one-shots related to this story since I feel like there's more to tell and things to elaborate on. And I want to give the other members more space and explore their perspectives. So look forward to that!
> 
> In the meantime, thank you so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I have already written the entire story and I have little to no self-restraint so the next chapter will probably be up shortly.
> 
> Hope you liked it, kudos and comments are always appreciated!


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